Toothpaste threat goes unnoticed

Yes, I was a bit pissed when I packed my bags for my flight from Heathrow to Japan and slipped my toothpaste and brush in my hand luggage. It’ll be nice to freshen up during the flight, I thought, completely forgetting that Iraq had been invaded for possessing such weapons of mass destruction.

And being pissed, I also promptly forgot that I had packed these things.

At Heathrow the next morning, I passed through two security checks. In the first I took my laptop from my bag, put it in a tray and emptied my pockets into another tray. The other side of the scanner, the security lady stopped me from reclaiming my laptop. She kept it in its tray beside the scanner while she fussed over some other bits and bobs from other people.

Meanwhile, I had been permitted to sling my dangerous toothpaste-laden rucksack on my shoulder.

Eventually, the very serious securi-lady, who wore what appeared to be a permanent securi-scowl, brought my laptop over and brusquely demanded I remove it from its case, whereupon she brusquely waved an electronic stick at it and took it away again to be subjected to another hard stare.

Finally satisfied that despite its shiny white casing it contained no toothpaste, she returned it to me. I took my shoes off and stood in line for another security check that confirmed an absence of toothpaste in my footwear and I continued with my journey.

It was at Hong Kong security that a slightly surprised securi-operative pulled my toothpaste — a new, bulgingly full tube — from my rucksack. I think I said something terribly sharp and political like, ‘Ah, that’s where it got to,’ just in time for the toothpaste to be confiscated.

No Guantanamo and no instant waterboarding I was happy to note and then I went on to have sausages and toast for breakfast while waiting for my connecting flight.

I note also, that a couple of days prior to this I was boarding a flight in the Canaries bound for Madrid when, despite being immaculately sober, I failed to remove my laptop from my bag before security.

Again, in another one of those encounters with officialdom that leaves you scratching your head, the Spanish staff had been paranoid enough to turn me back before the scanner to remove my belt, but then failed to notice an entire computer in my hand luggage.

But perhaps they would have spotted toothpaste.

June 9, 2007